What cats are really thinking
Note: Milton the cat decided to write this month’s column while his mom, Trisha Gurley, was at work.
Hi everyone. It’s my understanding that my mother writes a column for this here paper. I know what you’re thinking: how does a cat type with no opposable thumbs? None of your business, silly human. We cats can do much more than you think.
I was initially sprung from the Memphis/Shelby County Humane Society by my parents after being there for two years. What happened to me in the years before is shrouded in mystery. I’m a renaissance cat, and I prefer to look forward. I am also a black cat. I am told this worked to my disadvantage when trying to find a family since black cats are considered unlucky. Humph. I prefer to think I am always perfectly dressed to match with any decor or outfit. Mom likes that my shed hair does not affect her primarily dark wardrobe. She was not put off by my dark shroud that day she looked for a new friend at the Humane Society. But I admit I fooled her.
When my mom scooped me out of my cage that day, I was thrilled to get attention all to myself. Not that I was neglected in my temporary home. But my caretakers had a lot of other kitties to look after, and I was pretty low maintenance at the time. I knew she was good people, so I made sure to purr and rub my fuzzy head on her shoulder. My plan worked, mom melted, and I was taken to my new home that day.
I say that I fooled her because once I was adjusted, I began executing my plan to take over the world. You may not know that all felines are in cahoots to take over the world or at least our domains. Mom still likes to scoop me up and cuddle me, and I’ll indulge her for a minute or so but then it’s time to move along. I have plans to make and such plans exhaust me, hence all the naps we cats take. Other times I’m deciphering quantum physics in my head. It varies.
Mom got another surprise when I began my nightly ritual of running from the bedroom window to the living room window, jumping on the sills and meowing. I make sure to do this just as she’s falling asleep. She’s grown accustomed after all these years, but does not realize I am protecting our domain. I am an older kitty now, so I have grown more ornery. Since I am strictly an indoor kitty, this is my way of telling other neighborhood critters to stay off our lawn. My meow strikes unspeakable fear into the hearts of trespassers or potential burglars! I am a mighty hunter and a mighty warrior, people!
Aside from guarding our home, my daily routine involves ensuring my food and water bowls are filled and refreshed adequately. So far my parents do an excellent job of this, but only because I remind them multiple times a day. I also like to keep the humans limber and sharp by dodging in front of them as they walk, or even nibbling on their toes as they try to sleep. Some cats do this as a means to kill or injure their humans, but I prefer to think I’m helping them stay active so they might serve my needs longer. I’m also responsible for pest control in the home, but as I’ve aged I feel such work is beneath me. Bugs are toys to bat about and forget.
I’m a very generous and noble cat for doing all these things for free. My shiny black coat ensures I will look good while I do what I do, and that’s important. Uh oh, I think mom just came home. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to nap or maybe conjure new tactical moves. Later, silly humans.